Five Things Every Parent Should Remember at Back-to-School Time
Who and How they are matters more than What
We had the privilege this week of taking our oldest grandson, Wilder, to his first day of the first grade. He said on the way what I’m sure all of his classmates were thinking: “I feel a little nervous. But mostly, I’m excited.”
I was excited, too — and a little nervous. For him, for all of the children starting a new year. Because I know, that no matter how much we try not to, some days, we’ll make it harder for them. Acting like we don’t care if they achieve, but stoking achievement all the while.
We must all remember that the achievements — the grades, trophies, and social accolades — will come, or they won’t. But when it comes to raising our children, or grandchildren, what truly matters boils down to two key things:
Who they are in the achieving
How they are in the achieving
Most of us know this. Still, it’s especially important to remember as a new school year begins — when it’s all too easy to focus on performance. We say the results don’t matter, but we subtly nudge our children toward them and obsess over it, anxious if they “lose” or it doesn’t go their way.
We ask them outcome-based questions. We manage their schedules, edit their essays, and praise the product more than the process.
I did it.
And, our oldest son, William, achieved.
But too often, I talked to him about the what instead of the who and the how. In the end, he was still a precious how but the how he was turned deadly.
What I’ve learned — and what I now share with parents, students, and educators across the country — is this: Our life’s walk, in service to others and ourselves, depends on the who and the how. Achievements? They’re momentary. Fleeting. Meaningless, unless built on something deeper.
The moment we stopped chasing achievement and started focusing on relationship, our family began to heal and grow stronger.
And in the years since, through countless conversations in the work I know do in schools and churches, children have told me — with their words and their eyes — that what they want most is simple:
To be seen.
To be heard.
To be supported as they grow.
Here are five ways parents can do that well this school year:
1. Focus on the Who and the How
Grades and trophies come and go — but who your child is becoming, and how they’re growing, is what lasts.
2. Your Presence Matters More Than Your Perfection
You don’t need to pack every lunch right or say the exact right thing. What your child needs is your steady presence — especially during the chaos of a new school year. Just showing up sends the clearest message: You matter. I’m here.
3. Let Struggle Be the Teacher, Too
Don’t be so quick to rescue. Growth often shows up as discomfort, frustration, even failure. Trust that your child’s challenges — social, academic, or emotional — are shaping them. Support them through it, but don’t rob them of the opportunity to fail, learn and grow.
4. Don’t Forget the Basics: Sleep, Nutrition, and Room to Process
They’ll resist bedtime, but sleep and nourishment matter more than we realize. The simplest routines — enough rest, screen-free downtime, a calm evening — can transform a child’s capacity to handle the day. And sometimes, what they need most is nothing at all: space to just wind down, think and process, and just, be.
5. Connect Before You Correct
Back-to-school brings stress — missed assignments, lost books, meltdowns. But correction only works when it rests on connection. So pause. Ask a question. Listen. Lead with empathy. Then guide.
COMING SOON: The David Magee Show launches
I’m thrilled to share that my weekly podcast is relaunching on September 2 — this time under the name, The David Magee Show.
When I first launched my podcast last fall, I called it A Little Crazy, in part because I wasn’t ready to use my old show name again. (Years ago, I’d hosted a national TV and radio show by the same title — and that season of life unraveled under the weight of my addiction.)
But I’ve learned something important since then:
The old show name wasn’t the problem.
My disease was. The problem.
Healing in the years since has brought clarity, strength — and a new sense of purpose.
That’s why I’m bringing it back — as The David Magee Show.
You’ll still find The David Magee Show at the same link where A Little Crazy lives, on the same great network. If you haven’t yet listened or watched yet, you can catch up on our first 30 episodes here below.
And get ready for the new season — we’re kicking off the new season with a very, very special guest. I can’t wait to share. Follow the show at YouTube below or wherever you listen (or watch) podcasts so you won’t miss.